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Fight Capitalism By Buying Antifa Merch!

Wasn’t it fun Monday when we shut down that libertarian hate speech at King’s College London? It got me thinking: the best way for us to spread our message of smashing global capitalism is to form private entities and sell Antifa merchandise to college students worldwide.

My favorite Antifa news site It’s Going Down sells the hottest Antifa swag, according to The Daily Caller News Foundation. Look, you can trade in one of those pieces of paper with some stupid dead white guy on it for this super cool “Hospitalize Your Local Fascist” badge.

How about this button that says “not gay as in happy, queer as in f*** you” or this one saying “no more presidents”? I mean, we’re doing all the hard work for you, AmeriKKKa. Defeating fascist logic with profanity and platitudes, or just some punches and pepper spray, that’s the tough part. All the universities have to do is shred a few pieces of paper or take down a few links online to free speech policies. Same thing for Trump and Congress, actually — how long would it realistically take to draw a line through the First and Second Amendments? Come on man.


Now hey, look, I know a lot of my comrades are concerned when our thought leaders like Dartmouth professor Mark Bray can’t even define fascism and says he “hesitate[s] to confine [fascism] to an abstract, analytical definition.” After all, how will people know if they deserve to get punched if anyone and everyone can be a fascist? But that’s the point of America, man. Liberty! Freedom! The freedom to bend words to my will and punch whomever I want!

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